Dear Souls…Chaos

Dear Souls in Earthsuits,

I sit here with my heart in my own hand.  I offer it to you.  It is the decision I made when I entered this body almost 37 years ago.  Somehow, I’ve always known I would be an open soul.  I think that’s why I’ve been given lessons along the way that have given me the opportunity to learn how to actually do that… even in the face of danger, in the face of judgment, the onslaught of my own personal  insecurities.

I do not always have my heart ready for you… I still experience moments of contraction.  Where I want to turn inward and close off because I don’t know what else to do. Where the fear slips in and my human side tells me, “Don’t do it, Summer… your heart will not be accepted.”
Then – and it may be a day or so later… maybe a week – when I am sitting in awareness, I remind myself that “acceptance” is not why I offer my heart.  I offer my heart because I know that is what I came here to do. Whether or not you accept it is of no consequence to me. So in all reality, I’ve done MYSELF a disservice by choosing not to share. I realize that I made a choice out of fear – and fear never saves. Fear never comforts. Fear is not lending a hand to help.  Fear only keeps you thinking that you are separate.

This tour started in Kansas City.  Jen Harris and I performed a show that we had written called The Art of Awakening Experience.

This show was meant to crack heads open. It was meant to facilitate others’ journey into something bigger than themselves.  And it did. Oh… it most certainly did. We opened our hearts as full and as wide as we ever have, possibly ever. Tears were shed. Hearts reminisced a brokenness… and then they were reminded that they could be mended, or even in fact, already HAD been. That maybe WE were the only ones refusing to look at that. Light filled every crevice of that space and we were all one for approximately an hour and a half.

What I didn’t expect was that I would be the one forever changed.  My head cracked open. My mind was blown…
We had WRITTEN that show.  We KNEW what was coming… we’d already practiced it over and over.
But… it hadn’t yet been activated.
Not until we stood up on that stage and literally shared it with YOU. And then, I understood that Jen and I weren’t GIVING a lesson.
We were ALL learning In. That. Moment.
And I am STILL learning from that hour and a half.  I am still ruminating. I continue, even in this very moment, to receive bits of enlightenment and “ah-ha” occurrences from that weekend.

Sometimes we are so caught up in what is wrong, that we forget that it’s alright.
Sometimes I get tired. And I wonder what the hell I’m doing here. And then I realize that I’m trying to pull the power from myself – when I know that I do not, and cannot, do this on my own power.

I sat with my feelings for most of this trip. When any feeling welled up, I let it. I did not push it away. I did not give it a reason. I did not tell it to stay or to go. I did not ignore it, and I did not act on it. I did not try to find out where it came from. I did not try to work on it. I just let it be. Slowly, it dissipated on its own.
Then I asked myself, “What is that feeling telling me about myself?”
And this… opened up an entire line of understanding that I have never owned before. Answers that clicked in places where I had originally miss assigned offenders and blame.  I found myself sitting with honest… raw… choice.

We often tell ourselves that we always have a choice – and we do. But, somewhere inside, we don’t actually believe that. So we think we’re making choices, but in all reality we’re “making choices when we feel we have no other choice” And that is fear. Afraid to keep going, or afraid to stop. Afraid to go, and afraid to stay. Afraid to say yes, afraid to say no. What if, what if, what if…

But… when I sat still – when I took all of the fear OUT of it –Because I realized there was beauty down each and every path, THEN I sat in raw honest choice.

I realize that I am in the midst of transformation… about to break into a new level.

There is a moment… a fraction of a millisecond… where the egg becomes the chick.
There is an instant where a seed becomes a plant.
Some call it the “void” or “the nothingness” because it is that moment the human brain just cannot grasp.
The actual Greek word is χάος,.
The actual translation is… chaos.

Chaos comes with transition. The egg has to transform… the seed has to break open, the plant has to reach for the sun.

I am reaching. Keep on growing.

-Summer

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